Jesus strides into the temple in slow motion, bathed in a white light and flanked by his 12 disciples, six on each side. He stops before a row of merchants selling pigeons. The crowd goes silent.

Jesus
[In Aramaic] You have turned my house into a den of thieves! Get out!

No one moves. Jesus pulls a whip from his belt, and lets out a war yelp—

Aaaaaaaaah!

—as he and the disciples charge the pigeon peddlers. Jesus leaps up on a table and strikes one of the Jews hard, knocking him back out of his chair at least 10 feet. A flurry of pigeons flies up toward heaven.”

And picture this kick-ass “Mat(thew) Attack”: 

Matthew gets one of the Jews in a headlock.

Matthew Repent, sinner, or be damned! Your profession is an abomination to the Lord!

The Jew
[Gasping] You… know…nothing of my trade…

Matthew
No? I used to be a tax collector… Now repent!

The Jew
Never!

Matthew snaps the man’s neck like a communion wafer.

Whew! Brother Spalding has got us shaking with the spirit here at The Revealer, and it’s not even April 1st yet. Read more.