“The bottom line is when students test us, they want us to pass the test. They are on our side rooting for us to come through with safety and structure. When students act out, they are really saying, ‘We don’t have the impulse control that you have. We are acting out so that you will provide us with safety and structure—be soft yet firm—so that we can learn the behavior we need to learn to be happy and successful… Please be compassionate allowing us our wants as you honor our needs.” (Smith & Lambert, 17)

In the Smith & Lambert article “Assuming the Best,” the authors give practical tips on how to hold students in the best possible regard and interpret the “noise” of the stories they tell as simple requests for love. It is so easy to misinterpret charged remarks as a lack of respect, but this is only true when we, the educators, cannot hold onto our own respect for ourselves. We have to be so firm in our fullness and love for ourselves that we cannot be seduced by any angry or unkind words from students.

Nicole Daedone, the founder of OneTaste, once told a group of us that she interprets anything anyone says to her to mean, “I love you.” When we start to take in messages from others through this lens, we cannot help but respond with love and compassion. Many times students desperately need attention, but they don’t feel safe or secure enough to simply say, “I need X from you.” Instead “Students are saying one thing, ‘Please care for us today.’ As we honor this message, without belittling or marginalizing, the noises that students narrate, we can get our message through the noise of their heads into the receptive place in their hearts.” (Ibid.)

In life, it is easy to be triggered by people who say unkind things to us, but the truth is if we ourselves don’t believe them, we can let them go. I firmly believe that life is happening “for us” and not “to us,” so when someone is rude to me in a store or cuts me off on the road, I try to remember to stay conscious in that moment and respond with love. It may be true that teens do not have as much impulse control as some adults, but many adults never learned to control impulses either. As educators, more is asked of us. We have to be strong enough in our own self-love, to let our love overflow onto our students. All of the practical suggestions in the world will prove ineffective if we cannot control our own reactions. For me, some of the best tools to slow down my reaction time have been meditation and Yoga. Many other practices will do the same thing. For me, a teacher has to be mindful, so s/he can be a clear channel to reflect back to his/her students who they really are.