“We simply don’t believe that boys, especially during adolescence, could be having emotionally intimate male friendships.” (16)
Niobe Way explores the friendships adolescent boys maintain, and often lose as they get older. This loss of deep friendship, or loss of trust among friends, however, is not because boys no longer desire to have these intimate male friendships, but rather because there is societal pressure not to have them.
Way also writes, “We have gendered basic human capacities and desire and thus prevented boys from getting what they need” (27). Way explains that girls are not, contrary to popular societal narratives, more empathetic than boys, rather they are jut allowed to express their feeling more. Having intimate friendships is allowed for girls, yet for boys, maintaining these intimate relationships that Way shows they both have and want earlier on, threatens their manhood, potentially indicating to others that they are gay.
So what does this mean for schools? Teachers and administrators, I think, need to be aware of the societal master narrative that boys do not need or want intimate male friendships. Everyone needs close relationships to feel valued and heard – this is not simply a female thing. As teachers watch their male students grow more distant, I think opportunities for more group work could be helpful where boys are given opportunities to connect to each other in class. I think it could also be really powerful for teachers to check in with their male students, perhaps noticing that they don’t hang out with “so and so” so much any more and emphasizing the importance of friendship. Way shows that boys want to have these intimate male friendships. I think it is the responsibility of teachers to help students challenge the societal myth that as boys grow older they no longer want or need friendship. All humans need friendship, need human connection, and boys especially should not be made to feel ashamed or threatened by having male friends.
*Way, N. (2011). The hidden landscape of boys’ friendships (Chapter 1). Deep secrets: Boys friendships and the crisis of connection (pp. 1-36). Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.
Dear Sophia,
I really enjoyed reading your entry this week, especially as I attempt to understand the world of adolescent boys during my student teaching in high school this semester. Your descriptions reminded me of a statement professor Doucet made about adolescent students in general: “just because they don’t show it in ways we recognize, does not mean they don’t care.” I think this can easily be applied to intimate male friendships: whereas playing video games next to each other for hours without speaking may be perceived by some as distant, perhaps it really represents solidarity and support between male adolescent friends.
However, the moment teenage girls and adults see adolescent boys do something nice for other boys or girls in class, it becomes “oh that’s so sweet” or “oh that’s so cute,” drawing potentially unwanted and negative attention to an act that was merely expected of them when they were children, but which is now all of a sudden considered atypical of adolescent boys. I admit that I have fallen into this trap and need to be more aware of it.
I agree wholeheartedly that teachers can make a difference in supporting intimate male friendships and the fact that all humans need and desire this. Yet I struggle with knowing when they will appreciate my concern and when they will want me to back off. I hope I get better at discerning this with experience.