“Similarly, some young women complain that their mentors seem out of touch with their experiences and problems. This problem sometimes stems from the social distance that exists between middle-class volunteers and urban adolescent girls. [ . . . ] Adults who live or work in urban communities, and who are familiar with the circumstances confronting youth, are likely to be better able to give advice that is consistent with the cultural norms, options, and constraints of a given setting.”
– Rhodes, Davis, Spencer, & Prescott, “Caring Connections:
Mentoring Relationships in the Lives of Urban Girls” (p. 151)
This is a quote that applies not only to mentoring, but also to teaching in general. This passage stuck out to me because it captured my own experience as a full-time tutor and, later, a teacher. As a tutor, I developed a close relationship with one of my students, an 8th grade girl. One problem from the very beginning was my struggle to understand exactly what she was going through. There were times when she would complain about something, get in fights with other students, or fight with teachers and get kicked out of class. It was incredibly hard for me to get on her level and understand why she was doing these things since they behaviors that I never even got close to doing when I was her age. It was difficult for me to act as a mentor to her when all I wanted to do was tell her to grow up and knock it off (but I was wise enough not to say that).
Luckily, we bridged that. What helped her respect me, despite our massive differences, was the fact that I showed up every day, listened to her empathetically (no matter how much I didn’t understand or relate to what she was talking about), asked questions about what she was feeling instead of giving advice, kept in constant contact with her mom, and acted as her advocate as she struggled in her classes, letting her know that I cared about her grades and relationships with her teachers.
This was only possible because, as a tutor, I only had a small handful of students to work with. Later, as a teacher, there was no way for me to give that kind of attention to every student whom I had a culture clash with. Although I was not a mentor for these girls, per se, I had the same struggles as a teacher that the passage described of mentors. This is why it troubles me that so many teachers are white and female because most of the students are not, and it creates this barrier. I might have been able to overcome that barrier as a tutor when working one-on-one with a student two hours a day for an entire school year, but teachers do not have that kind of time to do so.
Hi Lauren,
Thank you for sharing your own experience as a full-time tutor. I was moved by your consistence of narrowing the gap between you and the girl. What you did all works on bridging the relationship and gaining the respect and trusty from the girl. I totally agree with your strategies of listening to her feelings and making her know your caring about her and her feeling instead of giving advice recklessly. I think, as a mentor, listening sometimes is more important than any other kind of help. Sometimes,the only need they want is just that someone they trust listen to them, accompany with them and show his/her caring to them. But at some critical moment, the mentor needs to help them make a right choice. Mentoring is a complicated and time-consuming work which is impossible for a teacher for more than 20 students from different background. However, creating an inclusive and safe place and giving students chance to share their ideas is a different way of mentoring, which is we can do in class.