Arguments are normal. In fact, arguing is healthy because it is a form of communication that strengthens relationships. How you argue, however, is of particular importance. In Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg’s (2010) analysis of marriages, four harmful ways of communicating have emerged. I have outlined them below and added a few practical suggestions for us APUG-ers below:
- Escalation: Responding negatively to another individual with increasing anger and frustration, moving from simple anger to making hurtful comments about the other individual (p. 43). Not openly addressing conflict soon after it occurs often leads to resentment. Try to solve the problem at hand, and avoid bringing up the mental list of problems you’ve been holding in. Keep your voice calm. Listen to understand, rather than listen to respond.
- Invalidation: Brushing off or dismissing another individual’s thoughts or feelings, either directly or indirectly, such as saying “that’s not a big deal” or by rolling your eyes (p. 48). Accept people’s experiences as valid and real, and try to understand their situation. If it wasn’t a big deal to them, they wouldn’t have brought it up.
- Avoidance and Withdrawal: One’s unwillingness to become involved in, or stay within, important and meaningful discussions (p. 57). When you’re getting frustrated, try not to shut down the argument or be passive aggressive, such as by saying “yes” to everything another person says even when you clearly don’t agree. When you notice yourself begin to withdraw or avoid a topic, call a timeout. Let that person know that you need a few minutes to collect yourself, but make sure to revisit the discussion at a later time.
- Negative Interpretation: The immediate assumption that another individual’s intentions are negative, and as such only noticing and focusing on the negative behaviors of others (p. 51) If you really want to know how someone feels, you should ask. Do not assume.
-Vincci Ho
Reference
Markman, H., Stanley, S., & Blumberg, S. (2010). Fighting for Your Marriage. San Francisco: CA: Jossey-Bass.