Author: Alexandra Mathew

The click of my heels
on marble,
on tile,
on wood

brings me sharp
comfort (brings me
other things, too: condescending
stares, unwelcome
whistles, the lingering
hand on my waist.)

No matter: with a flutter
of my lashes, thick
with mascara, I am filled
with joy, while you
with your sharp cologne,
over-gelled hair, too white
smile — you disappear.

The red varnish that never leaves
my nails grounds me
in my moment,
and the next one,
sheathing sharp claws.

The balance shifts
and my shoulders roll
back, my chin raises
skyward and I look
down at you.

The role of the translator was a major component of this class and many times, the identity of the translator can have a significant effect on the translated work. This notion of the identity of the translator inspired the larger theme of my portfolio this semester. I wanted to first explore the facets of my own identity that would surely influence my translations.

The two major parts of my identity to be explored were that of my ethnic heritage, and of my gender identity. I am a 22-year-old half-Indian, half-Caucasian woman. Both of these aspects greatly inform the way the outside world perceives me but more importantly how I perceive myself. The original pieces I have written this semester are a first attempt at furthering exploring these two sides of myself and how they are heavily nuanced in their own ways.

The work Femme that I have chosen for The Waiting Room was the first piece I wrote when trying to grapple with these topics. It also made me realize that there was a kind of hierarchy to my own identities.

“Femme,” being a work about womanhood, was what I first found to be most compelling in my identity and then my ethnicity coming second. Another aspect of “Femme” I found interesting was that its really a piece about the kind of woman I see in myself that perhaps isn’t fully formed yet. A strong, sensual, yet sometimes rigid, and intimidating person that isn’t weighed down my insecurities or fears that I may currently possess.

“Femme” also acts as a kind of commentary on the kind of unwanted attention expressing femininity can garner from men. I intended to add to the existing narrative of women taking back their power and feeling comfortable standing up for themselves regardless of how it may be viewed by others. The femme fatale character has always been one that I have been drawn to and admired for these reasons. It’s an incredible thing to garner power within oneself simply from how you move through the world. I find it even more compelling and interesting to explore how all of the facets of my own identity have informed how other people see me and what the differences are in how those same aspects allow me to draw different conclusions about myself.

Read 滋味, Xiao Liang’s translated excerpts of ‘Flavor’
Read Xiao Liang’s ‘Reflections on translating Alexandra Mathew’s ‘Flavor’ into Chinese’

Curry leaves, cumin, coriander, cardamom: How can you be exorcized yet the core of my being
simplified all at once.

The true exchange must be between you, our spices — cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, bay leaves — and their
self-loathing.

Too spicy is hardly ever too much chili. Rather
“Why do you add so much garam masala?”

Peppercorns, Fennel, Mace, and pickle.

An upturned nose at a scent is never trying to understand it better. Instead,
questioning why it’s so offensive.

But it’s not offensive and I don’t smell weird.

My people must be doing something right because you are the one
Waking in the morning
Performing sun salutations
Aligning your chakras by going gluten-free but still eating beef.

Your chai tea latte will not save you.

The take out you ordered last week is not your free pass
To tell me how badly you want to go on a yoga retreat

No more will I sit idly by as we are finally deemed trendy.
You can’t have my flavor.