Couples over 50 who have been together for decades are more frequently deciding to separate or divorce. This phenomenon has been termed “gray divorce”, and as dreary and dry as it may sound, the prospect of beginning again, after years as part of a pair, can seem quite daunting.
If you are a child of gray divorce, you may feel tempted to view yourself as collateral damage; a victim of the fallout. A more positive option you could choose, however, is to take an active and supportive role in your parents’ split. This choice can also help to mitigate the feelings of helplessness and frustration which might rise up in your own emotional well. Here are three ways in which you can claim your own personal control over how you experience your parents’ divorce.
Be like water
Bruce Lee was talking about how to move when fighting an opponent. If you are like water, there is nothing to fight.
As a young (or possibly mature) adult, you can afford to step back and not get caught up in the drama. When relationships dissolve, there is bound to be a degree of hurt feelings and resentment. One or both of your parents might refer to it as a “failed relationship”. Your role is to help your parents through this time, and you need to remind them that their relationship is not failed, and that they have not failed as people. The partnership has simply run its course, and they have achieved what they set out to do: make a home, have a child or many children, live together and have some happy times. Now it is time for a new direction and another goal.
If you try to resist your parents’ life decisions, you might complicate things, and you could end up doing damage to your relationship with one or both of your parents. Just be like water. Go with the flow. Try to keep your attitude compassionate but accepting. Your parents will appreciate a cooler, calmer head to offer them some perspective and (dare we say it!) a good example to follow.
Don’t take sides
Avoid the temptation to side with one of your parents. As much as one parent will hurt more than the other, and your heart might be breaking for him or her, don’t take sides. You might even be called on to sympathize with one of your parents at the other’s expense; no good will come of it.
It is important to realize that although you are part of your family, you are not part of your parents’ relationship. Their history and interactions go deeper than your experience, and only they know everything that transpired between them. Making value judgements on who is right and wrong will not produce any kind of positive outcome. It will only do more damage to your parents, who will already be experiencing pain from their decision to split up.
Instead, give both parents equal amounts of support and understanding, and ensure that they both know that you love them and value their roles in your life and your family’s life, if you have children. This kind of emotional support will go a long way to helping them through the insecurity of transitioning to a single life, and your relationship with them will be stronger for it.
Make time
Once the split has taken place, make the time to be with each of your parents. You will have to decide for yourself if one of your parents is not coping as well as the other, and needs more emotional support. You won’t be able to see this unless you are spending time with them, talking openly to them and paying attention to what they say, and don’t say.
This is important because, according to a study conducted by Prof. Susan Brown at Bowling Green University, depressive symptoms increase after dissolution of marriage, and are higher amongst divorcees than widowers. This means that your parents may need some professional emotional support through a psychologist or counsellor to help them through the rough patches, and you need to be there to point it out to them, if necessary.
Children don’t often grow up expecting their parents to get divorced. This kind of dissolution no longer only happens to people in abusive relationships, and there are many reasons why an older couple might decide to part ways. When older parents split up, it can come as a shock, and there is the potential for all family members to emerge from the process broken and distraught.
Of all the ways that a divorce can happen, the adult children of gray divorce can choose to take on a role which will help to direct the events towards the most positive and emotionally supportive outcome for everyone.