After several tiring and extremely interesting trips to Madhya Pradesh and Uttar Pradesh, I decided to stay a few days at a yoga health center in Gorakhpur, called the Arogya Mandir, where I was hoping to get a chance to relax, exercise, and do some work. There were no television sets in the rooms and during my free time I met people and developed friendships, we visited each other in our rooms, walked around the beautifully manicured flower gardens, and I also read and wrote until late into the night. It was not possible to go to bed until well after midnight. But then, at five in the morning, the loud clang of a bell made my brain and body shudder with this sound waking me up and calling me to come out and welcome the sun. Frankly, this was not exactly my favorite part of the day and I hoped to avoid it, but I could never go to sleep again and the routine that followed during the day made me forget about these miserable moments until the next morning.
Everyday, before I went to the dining hall, I passed by a large statue of the goddess Lakshmi, I had never seen before. Lakshmi is Vishnu’s consort and protector of fortune, wealth, prosperity, happiness and beauty in the world. As described in the Vishnu Purana she is associated with the lotus, the symbol of purity and perfection, since its roots are at the muddy bottom of the lake, but it appears clean on the surface. Lakshmi lives in a lotus-forest, her eyes and face are lotus-like, and she always holds a lotus. In her usual representation on posters and calendars she is portrayed wearing a red sari with golden embroidery, sitting on a pink lotus-throne, wearing a lotus garland, holding a lotus in one hand, in the second a coconut offering, her third hand extended to grant a blessing and golden coins falling from the fourth, piling up in a bowl. Two elephants, symbols of wisdom, are standing behind her facing each other with tusks high in the air forming an arch above her. Some of the stories about her represent her as inconsistent initially, living with various divine beings when they win battles, and leaving them, when they lose. 
Some claim that even her image cannot be steady, and call her chanchala, or unstable. However, she remains a faithful and caring wife of Vishnu, as he undertakes different forms. Lakshmi’s image is always present in the domestic altar and women mostly pray to her on a daily basis.
It was around noon. I was sitting at a table having lunch with a couple who were also staying at the yoga center. He was the owner of several factories for truck and automobile parts. His posture and demeanor radiated self-respect and confidence. He and his wife, Neha, were overweight, wearing plenty of gold rings, bracelets, necklaces. It was clear that they were really rich. They had come to the yoga center for a break. She took a spoonful from the salad bowl in front her husband and served it on his plate. Then she put some salt over and tossed it. Next, she picked up a piece of warm naan or pita bread, and placed in on his plate. He mumbled something and she stretched her hand to the middle of the table again, grabbed a couple of green peppers and put them on his plate. Then, when the servant placed a glass of water right in front of him, she picked it up and handed it to him. I witnessed this a few times at lunch or dinner. Everyone was happy and smiling. Neha told me that they took such breaks a few times in the year and they went to a different place every time.
“He needs a real break. He deserves it. He works so much. But I also get tired. This is why he insisted to take Ramu, one of our servants, to take care of the additional food we need from outside of the center, all the fruits, drinks and tea we need.”
Ramu was a ten-year-old boy with short black silky hair, with a funny cow-lick on the right side of his forehead, with a constant smile on his face and big white teeth peeking through mischievously. Of course he was ecstatic when he heard that he will have this opportunity to travel. He never took anything offered to him by someone else, but his sir and madam sahib ji. Certainly, it didn’t bother him that he slept on a bench outside of the room that they rented. The car-driver was also delighted to get a break from daily driving; he slept at night in the car and during the day he mingled with the rest of the drivers; they had their separate entertainment and dining room with a TV.
It was early afternoon in the middle of a hot and lazy summer day. Neha and I were sitting and chatting in my room, sipping cold lemon Limca and munching on numkeen, spicy cereal. The room was quite spacious with a bookshelf on one side, right next to the bathroom door. My bed and a night stand next to it were on the right side under the window with a view on the common verandah/open hallway, and on the opposite side there was a table with two chairs under the second window with a view onto the backyard. I was sitting on my bed and she was in one of the chairs. She was just reminiscing about the pressure she had from her in-laws to have a son after her second daughter, when, without any indications that she was going to do it, she screamed on the top of her lungs: “Ramuuuuu, Ramuuuuu!” I was literally stunned. I had no idea what was going on. Ramu didn’t show up right away and her voice thundered even louder: “Ramuuuuuu!” I was totally befuddled. She must have forgotten something important like a medicine…If Ramu was on the bench in front of their room on the lower floor, where her husband now was taking an afternoon nap, he was going to have to cover a distance of about a fifty yards along the hallway, climb up two flights of stairs, and run about a fifty yards more to reach my room, which was almost exactly above theirs. Neha hollered again: “Ramuuuuu!” I heard the noise of his bear feet dashing on the cement floor of the verandah. He flew into the room, breathing heavily, but still with a smile on his face. She didn’t even look at him. She just pointed to the shelf, where she had left a big bottle of mineral water, which was less then five feet away from her. Ramu made three steps on his left toward it, took the plastic cup left upside down on the top of the bottle, then made three more steps on his write toward her, handed her the cup, poured water, placed the bottle in front of her on the table and left the room. She continued talking.
Very few can afford having a break, let alone such a real relaxing one. The vast majority of men work from dark to dark. They live in constant stress trying make the two ends meet. They do not have high life expectancy. It is not easy to support a few children, a wife, a mother, younger brothers and sisters, sometimes cousins or nephews.
“And besides, they always have wrong habits – they drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes or chew tobacco.” Complained one of the masseuses in the yoga center.
“My husband passed away a long time ago. He ran a high fever one day, he fell asleep and never woke up. I was left alone with four girls. I was twenty two. He didn’t let me work. I had several opportunities to get a regular job and it would have paid enough for all of us, but he was proud. He didn’t have a brother to help us out, after he died, so I learned these skills and got a job here. I am content, we live even better than before. If only he would’ve listened.”
Later I found out that her other two colleagues were also widows with children. I learned that it was the policy of the owners of the yoga center to train and give a job to single women in the area. They even provided them with some space, couple of rooms per family to live in a one story compound behind the main building of the complex, so that they wouldn’t worry about their children while they are at work and could easily keep an eye on them.
I remember once I witnessed a real drama in a family I knew, who lived in Banares. Two brothers running a successful family trade business with silk lived in a huge mansion. One night the older one went to bed and never woke up. From that morning on his wife and their three children were in the hands of the younger brother. The business was successful; there was plenty to live comfortably and now instead of asking her husband for money, permission or approval, she needed to ask her brother-in-law. But there was a problem. Her oldest daughter, after completing her MBA, applied for a job in a big financial company in Delhi and received it. Overjoyed by this opportunity on a personal level and satisfied with this professional achievement, she packed and headed for the big city; accompanied by her uncle, who helped her find an apartment to rent, buy a few pieces of furniture and kitchen utensils. She happily settled into her new life. She loved her job, she was really good at it, her boss was very pleased with her progress and promised a great career path, business trips throughout India and a good salary increase in just a few months. One day, however, the phone rang and her uncle asked her to come back home to discuss an important family issue. She jumped on the first train and arrived as soon as she could. The problem was that he had arranged to marry his daughter, he had decided do the same for her and organize a double wedding party. He thought that no family of their caste would like her, because she worked and did not live with her relatives. For this reason he wanted her to quit her job and return back home. She was 26 years old, completely in love with her work and her independent life. When I visited, she was in deep depression. She hadn’t eaten or slept for eight days, she was crying constantly, looking at the floor and had not said a single word. If she would disobey her uncle, her immediate family was going to suffer. She had two younger brothers; they were about to go to college. But if she was not married on time who would want to marry them; people would assume that there was some kind of a problem with the family and even if someone agreed, they would not be able to negotiate bigger dowries. Her mother was also going to suffer – everyone in the house would accuse her of her lack of control over her daughter’s insubordination.
Later on, I heard that she secretly sneaked out of the house and returned to Delhi. She left a note, letting them know what she intended to do and that she expected them to disown her officially to remove the stain on the family reputation that she had caused. She also wrote that she would find herself a husband and that she was ready to pay for the consequences of her decision. After a year I received in the mail an invitation for her wedding. She married a colleague of hers who worked in a bank and went to France to head a newly established office and he arranged a job transfer after a couple of months. She asked her mom to live with them in Paris. The family did disown her for some time and after they arranged the marriage of her two brothers, accepted her back to the family. People in Banares were talking about her legendary and unprecedented story, certainly not as an example to follow, but as an unfortunate incident that, luckily, ended up well. I remember talking about it with a jeweler, who explained to me that there were plenty of unusual circumstances, such as the fact that the uncle was soft and was not willing to beat her up and lock her up in the house, that she had her own income and could support herself, which was unacceptable at this age, that the mother was a recent widow and missed to notice some of the signs that must have been present in her behavior before, etc. He reassured me that we know nothing about her pain and despair when she was alone, faraway from her family…
One’s family makes up one’s world for the majority of young people here. They follow traditional beliefs and models of behavior in which happiness outside of the family is considered impossible, especially for girls. They cannot imagine it any other way. They are vivacious and imaginative young women who focus their energy in creating a complex interlacement of human relations in order to ensure a peaceful and loving atmosphere at home, first as daughters and sisters, then as wives and mothers.
Similar are the stereotypes even in the Diaspora community. Parents somehow succeed to cultivate this mentality in their kids. I have had hundreds of conversations with my students who have an Indian background and who grew up among the large Indian communities in California, New Jersey or New York area, and I have realized how crucial the parents’ position is for what they do in life. Someone wants to go to study abroad for a semester, another one contemplates on whether to change his/her college major, or tries to arrange a summer internship out of town, they then ask their parents for permission and if they don’t receive it, they rarely act against their parents’ word. They might try to negotiate a middle ground or convince them to change their opinion, but usually they tend to trust their parents’ judgments and assessment of the family situation and usually they stay just to obey them, or to attend a cousin’s wedding, or to help out with the family business, or to be around their grand-parents who are visiting from India. The larger the community is, the more opportunities there are to create the specific socio-cultural environment, in which young people are immersed while growing up, and thus to a great degree adopt the mindset of their heritage, especially vis-à-vis practices and customs, kin relations and responsibilities, and most importantly family happiness.
Unusual is the story of Bindu, who was recommended to me when I was looking for an adjunct to teach Hindi in our department at New York University. She was born in Kanpur in Uttar Pradesh and was the oldest of five siblings. After finishing school, she insisted to go to college and her parents did not oppose her decision.
“The higher the education of the girl is, the better it is for her parents, because it is viewed as a part of the dowry.” She stated herself.
She had to argue with them and convince them to let her stay in the dorms, because she wanted some freedom to stay in the library until late at night, to hang out with friends and to go out with them from time to time. Her parents were very traditional from the low middle class, very concerned about how the community would perceive her living outside of the family without any male supervision. They were also worried that she was quite overweight which additionally jeopardized her marriage prospects. Nevertheless, Bindu was adamant about her independence, always willing to take risks.
Unexpectedly, her father died while she was in college. Her mother didn’t work and didn’t have any income. Bindu knew that being the oldest, if she got married first, her two younger sisters were going to have problems finding suitable families to marry into, because they would remain with low education, their father was no longer around to negotiate for them and they wouldn’t have good dowries. So, she made a decision to help out her siblings first and then, if she could, she would arrange her own life. She started working part-time, but continued her studies and after graduation she found a prestigious, well-paid government job. She restored the community respect towards her family and supported the education of her sisters up to a Master’s degree and her brothers obtained a Bachelor’s degree. She arranged to marry off both her sisters into prosperous families of their own caste. She also found beautiful educated brides for her two brothers and continued living in the house with them. The mother soon passed away, and Bindu received a gift from her uncle – a little two-room house only for herself in the same neighborhood. She moved there, but was still involved with her siblings’ lives, their children, the family affairs, the relatives, etc. One day a friend of hers came to her and said:
“I know you made a decision to remain unmarried, but listen, you should at least meet one man, who talked to me about you. He is very nice, the same caste, divorced, looking for company and very interested in you. I really think he is a good match for you. And he works in the U.S., so you will get to travel.”
Bindu’s relatives objected:
“You don’t need a husband! We take good care of you. Aren’t you happy? Why ruin the family?”
Even her younger brother’s mother-in-law also came to her to dissuade her:
“My daughter has been coming to your house every single day to help you out with anything you request, right? What else do you need? Everyone loves you around here. Where are you going alone? Why do you want to do that? You are 38 years old already. Why marry now?”
Actually, the issue was that Bindu’s salary was still distributed among her siblings to support them. Her job paid exceptionally well and her respectable position in her community was outstanding, from which her extended family benefited tremendously. After retirement her pension was also going to be a good security check for them. However, if she married, she would become a part of her husband’s family and the money and reputation would automatically become her contribution to her in-laws’ family. This is why her family had a lot at stake and did not want to let her go. Certainly, they were thinking about themselves and what they were about to lose. However, she decided to explore this new opportunity and agreed to marry. Soon after that, she even quit her job and moved to Boston. He worked all day long, but she refused to stay at home and led a rich social life, participated in poetry readings, wrote jokes, started editing a local newsletter and gradually became the soul of the Indian community. She was invited to participate and lead community events, weddings, festival functions and celebrations. She even received an offer to become a Hindi instructor in a college. Nevertheless, her husband was unsatisfied with the behavior of his new wife and one day asked her to stop all this and take care of him – the house to be clean and neat, his food to be freshly made and varied every day. She decided to stay home and devote herself to him and to give him her full attention and time.
Soon after, he was diagnosed with lung cancer. She was next to him during his final weeks and days of agonizing pain. His inheritance went to his two children and ex-wife. She was only entitled to his social security checks. What was she supposed to do now, alone in a foreign country without enough income and with no family? She pondered over the idea to go back home to her family, but her friends advised against it.
She elaborated:
“My life there would have been miserable. It is good I decided to stay in the U.S. You know, widows in India are considered inauspicious. Their shadow even is considered an ill omen. They cannot re-marry, even though widowers can. They cannot enjoy life. They are banned from the temple and are excluded from rituals and parties. They are allowed no jewelry or make up or colorful saris. And even when I laugh many frown. Widows shave their head, wear white saris and live a life of imprisonment. Although their number is decreasing, some conservative people in traditional communities consider widows responsible for their husband’s death. Can you imagine, they advocate sati (the practice of cremating the widow alive along with the deceased husband). There are plenty of places where the widow is appointed to sleep with another man in the family and bear children for him. Sometimes she is forced to perform sexual favors to members of the family and even outside, especially if she can bring some income for the family. Otherwise she is just one more mouth to feed…”19
Bindu brought her husband’s ex-wife and kids to the U.S. and helped them settle in New York, find a house and good schools. She spends the holidays with them and helps them whenever they need. Slowly she managed to renew her connections and acquaintances and started working as a stand-up comedian. Later on, she found a job as a travel agent, then as a librarian in Columbia University and now she teaches Hindi as an adjunct at New York University, City University of New York and St. John’s University.
Bindu has her own problems, nonetheless. Her brother, a temple-shopkeeper, his daughter, twelve and his son, nine years old, recently were burnt with hot oil. Another store owner was enraged that they had sold a book to a customer at a much cheaper rate than his store’s price and the customer had made a complaint. He just grabbed a huge pan in which samose were frying from the neighboring street vendor and splashed it at them. Bindu quickly wired money for treatment and medications. She just suffered complications from a gallbladder operation and had to spend 3 weeks in a hospital and 2 months at home. She has diabetes, bad knees, etc. Yet, she is always smiling, telling jokes, networking and ready to pounce forward, when needed.
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19 See for more Nayar, P.K.B. Widowhood in Modern India. Women Press, 2006.