Self-management involves learning to keep our own emotions, fears, judgments, and agendas in check in order to support someone else’s growth and development. By asking empowering questions, a coach can help someone think through a situation and gain new insights and awareness about core issues so they can develop solutions on their own. The coachee does the work, not the coach.

Managers who wish to adopt a coaching methodology may be tempted to shift into being directive and just tell people what to do. While this may be needed in a crisis situation, it would disempower someone you were coaching. Coming from an IT background where I am used to fixing things, often playing the role of a consultant, I have to make a concerted effort to remind myself that those are not the roles of a coach.

As it turns out, the way to handle self-management is the same advice I would give someone new to meditation. As you find yourself triggered in some way (urge to fix, relating deeply to something being discussed, etc.), notice and acknowledge it, and then let it go or place it aside for later.  Feelings that come up may wash over you and move on. You are not your feelings.  As you practice this skill you will begin to cultivate a sense of being a passive observer to one’s thoughts and feelings. It is only when one tries to not have such thoughts and feelings that they demand attention like a two-year-old. 

If you find yourself getting judgemental, shift into curiosity.  What is important to them about this? At a time when we are becoming so polarized, it is important to remember that our view, beliefs, and values are not universal and certainly need not invalidate another’s. 

Tools like the coach’s stand and reminders on the coaching mindset can help reorient us back to the person we are coaching.  When in doubt, remember coaching is about the coachee, not the coach.