Originally this section was entitled Listening since listening is a critical skill for any successful coaching, but the way one listens is where the magic happens. How does one listen — really listen — to the person being coached in a way that ensures they are feeling fully supported?
Presence
To truly engage with a person in a coaching relationship, one must be actively present and curious. There is no room for planning the next step, or to analyze what was just said. If the focus is to be on the client then we have to be where the client is now, not where they were a moment ago or where we would like them to be.
This can be a challenge since someone may say something we want to touch on but their stream of consciousness continues on to a different topic. If we were to backtrack when the person finishes their train of thought to make that point a few things happen:
- The moment we latch on to that idea we are not present to what is being said after that moment.
- We break the flow of the session and the client’s train of thought and send a message we are not engaged.
- We hijack the session, making it about what is important to us, not the person being coached.
This does not mean we cannot eventually touch on those issues, especially when such items are repeated later or connect with something currently being said, but not at the expense of where the discussion was going.
Naming What is Present
As we engage the client in the present moment, we are able to deepen that connection by succinctly sharing what we are perceiving in that moment. It requires trusting yourself to take risks since the client may disagree. Regardless, it opens the door to further communication and deepening understanding, and that is what is important.
This naming can be simply stating what you are seeing or feeling. (“I noticed you slouched when you said that,” “I hear the anger in your voice.”) We may observe patterns, such as repeated words and phrases. We can even note what we sense is not being said or what is emerging. (“I’m noticing you have not discussed your feelings on the matter,” “I’m sensing a shift in your mood.”)
Acknowledging Essence
Similar to naming what is present, we can name the qualities we are seeing or hearing and thus acknowledge their authenticity and support them in feeling seen and heard.
Some examples:
- “I noticed your eyes light up when talking being of service, that must be very important to you.”
- “I listen to you talk of your volunteer work at the animal shelter and I am touched by your compassion.”
Awareness
Awareness is important for both coach and client, and the coach is responsible for cultivating that awareness. Empowering questions are fueled by the coach’s growing awareness. Instead of holding to strategy, the coach chooses the next question based on the response to the last question. Every question is directed by where the client is at the moment.
For the client, this awareness leads to sparks of insight which awakens clients to their own inherent wisdom and inner clarity. By asking empowering questions, we support the client to become more grounded, reflective and conscious.
Clarifying, Reflecting and Getting Curious
Clarifying is not a matter of repeating what was just said as is done in active listening, but rather verifying your understanding by reframing what was said to identify their needs and values. Usually, this would be followed by an empowering question to dig deeper.
“I get the sense you took this new position to tap into your creativity. What’s important about that?”
Reflecting digs a little deeper by reflecting back the words, thoughts, and feelings that you have picked up from your client and reframing it in a way encourages a deeper consideration. Not only does this show that you are listening (which in turn helps build rapport) but also helps the client to hear the impact of what they have just said and prompt further exploration. For example, “You’re excited, but I’m also sensing you are a little scared?”
Don’t be afraid to take risks and get it wrong. Being honest and open to taking chances moves you into deeper communication. Even if your reflection is wrong, it will encourage the client to clarify, further deepening understanding for all.
Curiosity encourages us to dig deeper. Sharing what you are curious about invites the client into that process. The more you clarify what is being said, and reflecting it, the more you support the client in doing the same.