I’m not prone to quoting long or religious text but there is something about this poem that so wonderfully resonates with the subject at hand:

We are what we think.
All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts we make the world.
Speak or act with an impure mind
and trouble will follow you
as the wheel follows the ox that draws the cart.

We are what we think.
All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts we make the world.
Speak or act with a pure mind
and happiness will follow you
as your shadow, unbreakable.

How can a troubled mind
understand the way?

Your worst enemy cannot harm you
as much as your own thoughts, unguarded.

But once mastered,
no one can help you as much,
not even your father or your mother.

-Dhammapada The Buddha

One of the first self-help books I read as a teen was called Beyond Negative Thinking, and the simple lesson from that which I have kept with me all these years is the importance of being mindful of how we word things we say aloud or mentally to ourselves.  I had a bad habit of saying “I can/will never…” when confronted with a challenge and it was after reading that book that I became not only aware of that habit but how difficult it was to break.  I would often have to stop mid-sentence and challenge myself audibly: “No, I CAN do it.” I’m sure my friends thought I was quite mad. 

What we think often reflects defeatist core beliefs, so in exploring the skill of reframing, it is helpful to explore it both from the perspective of language and beliefs. 

Empowering Language

When our language is disempowering it robs us of choice. Replacing it with empowering language can transform our perspective and recognizes the fact that we always have choices. We may not always be able to change the circumstances, but we can change how we perceive or approach it.

The power of language is not only do our choice of words reflect our beliefs, fears, etc., they can also influence them. This gives us a hack of sorts for shifting self-defeating core beliefs. Language is linked with both our view and experience of reality. 

How often can you replace…	…with empowering language?
I should; I ought to	I will; I choose to
I need to	It’s important to me to
I have to	I choose to; I want to
I really want/I wish	I will
I can’t	I am not willing to (or I will, depending on your intent to do it)
I’ll try to	I will; I intend to; I aim to; I commit to
I should have [done]	Next time I can; Next time I will
but	and
I am just; I am only	I am
You know; like	[skip those words]
kind of; sort of	[skip those words]
I would like to say/acknowledge/do	[just make the statement; these prefaces diminish it]

Notice in the above table how  just by changing our language we can move from playing the victim to having choices, from feeling powerless to being in control of our life, from fear to love, and from being stuck to being in a place where we can move into action.

But vs And

When we use the word “but” we can imply there needs to be a choice by separating a sentence into two opposing clauses. It expresses or infers more information about the relationship between the things being described. In business, for example, the inevitable “but” essentially means “no.”

However, simply replacing “but” with “and” creates a striking change in connotation and can lead our conversations in an entirely different (and positive) direction.   It promotes a sense of inclusivity and opportunity. 

This seemingly small change can make a big difference. While “but” immediately closes down a dialogue, “and” acknowledges the comment and often allows you to raise a question that will motivate a person to respond in a positive way. It’s a great way to overcome an objection or further explore an idea.

Cognitive Restructuring

In psychology, the process of identifying beliefs that are maladaptive and destructive to our lives, and reframing them to new more constructive and healthy beliefs is known as Cognitive Restructuring.

As discussed above, our language can reflect our beliefs and our beliefs have a real-world impact on how we think, feel, and act. When hold beliefs that don’t serve our interests or values, we are prone to living lives that are less happy or successful.

When you practice reframing your beliefs, the goal isn’t to delude yourself or ignore reality. Instead, the goal is to look at the same facts through a new perspective and interpret them in a way that can keep us motivated and inspired. It merely reframes those facts into a perspective that better serves us and our goals.

By coming to realize that there are always multiple perspectives to any situation or circumstance, we learn how to change our perspective, to discover the best way to view a situation so that it brings out one’s best possible self.

There is never a single correct way to frame a situation. It all depends on how that particular frame serves your values and interests. Ultimately, the question is: is it helping you or hurting you?

Some Common Examples of Positive Reframes Include:

• “Failure is a learning experience.” – This is a very common reframe where we view a particular failure in our lives as an opportunity to learn, grow, and improve ourselves. Almost every happy and successful person uses this reframe, whether they realize it or not.
• “Look at the bigger picture.” – Another common reframe is to “zoom out” on our current situation and view it from a broader perspective. When we are caught up in the moment, every little experience can seem like a big deal. The “big picture” perspective is a great way to stay grounded and balanced, no matter our present circumstances.
• “Things could be worse.” – One common reframe you’ll hear is that “things could be worse.” It’s important to remind ourselves all the ways our lives could be worse because it often cultivates gratitude and appreciation for the things that we actually have going well in our lives.
• “Look at it from another person’s perspective.” – Our viewpoint of a situation is often limited, so when we actively try to look at a situation from another person’s perspective, that can yield insights and information that we often wouldn’t notice if we only looked through our own perspective.

Recognizing our Stories

We all have our stories and “narratives” to help us explain our lives and why things happen to us. We’re hard-wired to find patterns in everything, even when there aren’t any real patterns there. (Ever see a face in wood grain or your toast?) Our stories tie these patterns together cohesively, regardless of accuracy or the unrelated nature of various experiences.

Conspiracy theorists, for example, weave a complex story that seems quite real to them and yet to others will seem an odd string of random and isolated facts. Regardless of how objectionably true these theories are, it is real enough to them and can be a source of much distress.

A less extreme case would be sports fans with a lucky shirt or ritual. Even when their own logic will dictate there can not possibly be a connection, try and stop these rituals before a game!

Challenge Irrational Beliefs

While this site is not about encouraging coaches to be therapists, the tool of “cognitive restructuring” can be very useful for those we coach as well as ourselves in being able to identify when a belief is illogical or irrational.

When faced with negative beliefs and question, it is helpful to challenge how true or valid they really. Often you’ll be surprised to find that they are fundamentally wrong. Since it is easy for us to buy into our own stories, it helps to have a trusted person such as a friend, therapist, or coach to help you question your beliefs and force you to explain yourself. It is often while trying to explain our beliefs that we realize they were but a house of cards and the patterns come crashing down.

A good example from my own past. When I was first getting my feet wet in public speaking I was very insecure and during a talk I noticed some people in the back giggling. I was sure they were laughing at me since they would occasionally look up. What was worse, I knew one of them. I was surely distracted, but I was able to make it through to the first break. Trying to stay calm I confronted the person I knew and asked what was so funny. He apologized and showed me photos of his son’s first play – the sort of embarrassing photos the boy can only hope will get lost to time. I was humored and relieved and noted how I thought I was the subject since they kept looking up toward me. He apologized and said they were trying not to distract me and that they had noticed me looking at them and were worried I was going to ask them to leave. This all made perfect sense now, but at the time of the presentation, I was interpreting all these isolated facts as validation for my insecurity which only created a negative feedback loop.

Reframing Through Coaching

(This section is an excerpt from Coaching for Transformation by Lasley, Kellogg, Michaels, and Brown. As faculty at Leadership that Works, they certify coaches who offer personal, organization and community transformation.)

One aspect of calling out a coachee’s power is bringing awareness to their disempowering language. This language is often habitual and unconscious. Bringing it to the light offers opportunities for the coachee to see it clearly and choose to change it—moving them to a place of greater personal power.

How do we support the coachee to find some comfortable ground and own their language? The beauty of coaching is that we can ask empowering questions that support awareness without making the coachee wrong. Over time, they catch themselves and shift their language on their own without prompting from the coach.

Disempowering Language	Examples from the Coachee	Empowering Questions from the Coach
No Choice	I have to, must, can’t…	What if you knew you had a choice?
Non-Commitment	I’ll try, could, might…	What will you actually do?
Dualism	It has to be either this or that…	How can you have both?
Labels	I’m lazy; he’s so smart…	What happens when you let go of that label?
Blame	It’s my fault, she screwed up…	If no one were to blame, then what?
Ambiguity	that, it, those, these, this…	What do you mean when you say, “I’ll do it?”

For each of our light or sunny emotions, there is a darker counterpart. On the other side of joy, there is grief. As a coach, not only can you acknowledge, validate and embrace the full spectrum of the coachee’s feelings, you have opportunities to work with those emotions in ways that brings the coachee into alignment and support transformation.

There is tremendous power in all of these emotions that many coaches and coachees are afraid to approach. Only in facing the darkness can we harness its energy. Ignoring it will not make it go away, and may well give it license to manifest in destructive ways. 

Questions to Consider

What risks can you take in support of the coachee’s full connection with their power?

What can you do with each of the coachees to enhance your ability to call out their power?

What support can you request to step into your power more fully?

How will exploring the shadow equip you in calling out the power?

Expanding the View is a useful tool to use when framing.