While there are many approaches to and tools for coaching, they are secondary to cultivating a coaching mindset. In this section, I’ll share the characteristics I have found conducive to effective coaching. These characteristics may seem common sense in nature, but you may find them surprisingly challenging as they can at times conflict with one’s habituated patterns of behavior and response.
It’s Not Just For Remediation
Coaching can certainly be used to find resolutions to problems. There is a whole industry around that. However, approaching it purely as a means of remediation limits its application.
Coaching is a means of furthering one’s development. It generates ideas, expands perception, deepens relationships, maintains focus, fuels passions, and in the process tackles any issues important to us. This leads to remediation of issues we want to address, often as a side product of one’s personal development. It is a tool that can be applied anywhere deeper insight and development is welcome and is great for discovering new ideas.
It’s Not About You
Since coaching in the workplace is often adopted to increase productivity and reap other common benefits of coaching, the idea that coaching is not about you or the company may seem counter-intuitive.
Ultimately coaching is about the person being coached. This requires a radical shift from trying to fix an issue to allowing people the space to come to their own solutions. Focusing on the person instead of the problem or desired result paves the way for a better coaching experience and deeper communication.
Taking a Positive Approach
In co-creating a coaching relationship, both parties are committed to understanding what is at play and exploring possible solutions. It is not about finding blame or fixating on the past. Coaching is about moving forward from the present.
Setting aside ego and a desire to make a point opens the doors to communication which defensiveness would close. Ultimately the person coaching, be it a manager or a peer, wants others to success and is seeking ways to facilitate that success.
People are Inherently Resourceful
Author Thomas Peters wrote:
Leaders don’t create followers, they create more leaders.
Such a mindset opens the door to fresh ideas and promotes creativity. As a coach, I am often humbled at just how resourceful and talented my clients are. When I assume I have all the answers I run the risk of influencing the client and robbing them of the opportunity to fully step into their power.
Learn to trust that the recipient of your coaching brings their own experience, wisdom, and ingenuity to the table. Be curious about that well of potential as you hold space for what is emerging.
Honoring Diversity Deepens Awareness
Our culture, history, gender, and the myriad ways we identify as an individual sets us uniquely apart. How I will perceive or approach an experience can be radically different from someone else. Honoring these differences and maintaining curiosity supports the client in embracing the fullness of their lives, honoring and integrating all aspects of it.
This requires the courage to ask questions we may normally want to shy away from. The hot topic of privilege often rears it’s head here. For example, as a white male professional, I can either assume say, a stay-at-home mother of another ethnicity, shares my values and beliefs (privileged thinking) or ask what is important to her. What is she thinking? How does she view the situation? Setting aside one’s assumptions and being curious about the other person’s views is how we honor that diversity.
People Have the Freedom to Choose How They Respond
When we expect others to respond to how we would, we set ourselves up for disappointment and stifle potential and creativity in others. Innovation comes from exploring new ideas and directions, not from expecting different results from the same process.
Sometimes this also means allowing people the freedom to choose what may not be in their best interest. We can educate and mentor, but ultimately we are not responsible for how others choose to respond to circumstances in their lives. Poor decisions can be a valuable teacher in one’s personal development and lead eventually to needed growth.
This is quite liberating for the coach. It frees us from holding judgment and from taking responsibility for the lives of those we coach.
Much More is Possible Than Any of Us Can Imagine
The more curious and open we are as coaches, the more potential becomes available to us. Regardless of how successful or experienced we are, we all operate with certain blinders or filters in place which we are not likely aware of. What we may think is the scope of possibility is likely a subset of what is truly possible. It’s easier to see such blinders in others. Let such observations make you mindful you are not immune to them yourself. Dare to think big. What if anything were possible? Challenge the “but” or excuses when someone is sharing a dream or goal. Challenge your own assumptions on available options.
Fail Gloriously
When I was learning piano, every time I made a mistake while playing a song I would stop and replay that part, or worse, start over. It made me very shy to play in public since I did not want people to hear my mistakes. Each time I would correct myself my teacher would remind me to just keep going. Eventually, his frustration began to show and he elaborated on why he was pushing me to continue through my errors. I was on guard for my mistakes, so I was not playing from the heart. On top of that, by correcting my mistakes I broke the timing and brought attention to my errors. He explained that when you commit yourself to play the piece through, you allow yourself the freedom to experience the music and play with feeling. When we keep to the timing people will more likely not notice or forget the error since they enjoyed listening to the music and were following piece, not stopping to analyze it. The flow moves the listener along. Since then I have found this logic can be applied anywhere one is learning a new skill, be it in the dojo or during my coaching certification work.
No one likes making mistakes or appearing less than perfect, but try as we may, we will stumble. The desire to look perfect and professional can stifle our authenticity and the risk-taking needed to have those difficult conversations that may arise. Trust in a coaching session comes not from presenting oneself as better or ideal, but rather by being open and authentic. If you make a mistake or say something that was taken offensively, own it and move forward. The recipient of your coaching will be encouraged to follow your lead and the coaching relationship will strengthen.
As Cate Blanchett shared at New York’s Museum of Modern Art’s 8th annual Film Benefit quoting a teacher:
If you are going to fail, fail gloriously.
Your Clients and Coaching Will Reflect Your Own Limitations
There is an interesting side benefit to coaching. It holds a mirror to the one coaching, inviting self-development by making us aware of our own limitations. This awareness is important because our coaching is a reflection of who we are and will influence our coaching.
If I have difficulties making commitments for example, then it may come to no surprise that the people I coach also seem to have that same difficulty. This is because I have unintentionally led them to that predicament in how I approached the sessions. Subtle influences can add up!
So if you find a pattern in the people you coach or have a particular client can’t seem to move forward on something, reflect on how it may apply in your own life. You may be surprised to find it is an area that can use some work in your own line.