Changing behaviors, such as using different leadership styles or building our emotional intelligence, takes time and effort. The boost we get from attending a leadership class has a short half-life. As we come back to our normal responsibilities, those important lessons fall by the wayside and may never make it into our default behaviors. Research has shown, and the authors of Primal Leadership point out, that to change behaviors takes three things: motivation, practice, and feedback.
Years ago I read a paper that stated it takes about 200 repetitions of a behavior to internalize it. When we think about professional behavior, consider that we work about 260 days per year. That means to change a behavior that we use once per day we have to consciously think about it for a year to have it sink it. I don’t know how true these numbers are, but I know that for me it has, in some cases, taken years to change my “go to” behavior.
Motivation
Primal Leadership offers a framework for growing more emotionally intelligent and becoming a better leader. First, you must be motivated to change. This comes from an honest and accurate self-evaluation. Start with who you want to be. I’ve observed leaders I’ve worked for, colleagues I’ve worked with, and people I’ve mentored, in order to develop a picture of the leader I want to be.
Then comes the hard part: who you are. You can’t grow unless you understand who you really are. That gap between who you want to be and who you are creates your motivation. Then you need a plan. How are you going to get from where you are to where you want to be in a realistic way? Trying to take on everything at once is a recipe for failure. When I taught leadership classes I had my students choose just three things to work on. Trying to develop just three competencies at once is ambitious.
Practice
The next phase is practice. This is where 200 repetitions comes into play. Take something simple like, “praise in public, criticize in private.” Commit to creating a habit around giving feedback so that every time you give feedback to someone, you think to yourself—is this the appropriate venue for this feedback? After you give feedback, ask yourself —did I do that well? Is there something I could have done better? Did my feedback come across as input to problem solving, or did it come across as criticism? Adjust, repeat. Over time you won’t have to think about it as it will become your default behavior.
Feedback
The final piece that you need as you strive for supporting and trusting relationships is feedback. My wife has made me a better person. People who care enough about you to be honest, sometimes brutally honest, are invaluable. I’ve had many professional relationships with people who have helped me grow. It wasn’t always fun to hear, but they cared enough about me to be honest. In leadership, perception is reality. You can have the best intent, but your team only knows what they hear from you. Others can help you understand how you are perceived.
This also means asking your team for feedback. The boldest of you will tell your team what you are trying to change and ask for their feedback. You are making yourself vulnerable, but you are also giving them insight into your intent. They might be wary of giving you accurate feedback, so listen to what they say—and what they don’t say.
This isn’t easy, but when have worthwhile pursuits been easy? Don’t get discouraged by not being able to address everything you want at once. If you are growing—even just a little bit at a time—you will become a great leader. Your team will appreciate it, you will be happier, and NYU will benefit.