In this final message on Crucial Conversations, I would first like to emphasize how important I think the ability to have successful crucial conversations is to achieving your goals as well as our goals as an organization. Remember, a crucial conversation involves a difference of opinion, high importance, or emotions running high. When we enter into important discussions where we differ with others, we must minimize the emotional context. Easier said than done, but this book provides a lot of useful techniques to keep participants in a conversation feeling safe.
Plan your conversation, if you can. Be careful to share the facts as you see them. Allow others to correct or add facts to establish a baseline to work from. We all have different perspectives. We can look at the same facts and have very different interpretations of what they mean and how they developed. Tell your story, share how you interpret the facts, then get others to share their interpretations and how they see things. As you do this, speak tentatively. No one owns the truth. Encourage others to contribute so that you can jointly develop a story that is closer to the truth. Not only does this help you develop a better understanding, but it also keeps others engaged in developing that truth, which makes it less likely that they will slip into the “silence or violence” reaction.
Dean Rusk said, “One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears by listening to them.” Listen for understanding, not winning. Be curious and encourage others to explain their perspective. Paraphrase others’ points of view, agree with them where you can, prime their responses with points you agree on so that you can build a shared understanding. Don’t be afraid to highlight the differences. You must resolve those differences, but do so through a shared understanding.
Finally, you must be confident enough to get and listen to negative feedback. No one likes negative feedback, but it is impossible to collaborate unless we are willing to listen and change our perspective.
One of the things I love about being here is that we are passionate about our work and NYU’s success. The vast majority of people here have good intentions. Our ability to conduct effective crucial conversations makes us better leaders and moves NYU forward.