Safe conversations are conversations where the participants seek to understand the truth and work together to find solutions. Emotions are under control and all perspectives are rationally considered. When emotions begin to run high you have to get the conversation back to a safe state in order to make progress because when people feel safe, they are able to think rationally, agree on facts, listen to others, and not become defensive. People tend to react to an unsafe conversation with silence or violence. They either clam up or attack others and their ideas. Pay attention to not only what is said, but how it is said. Know when the conversation is starting to get contentious before it is too late.
Moving a conversation back to safety isn’t easy but is a vital skill. Others need to know that you have good intentions. Don’t assume that others will know your intentions. If you go back to my first Crucial Conversations message, you will remember that when emotions get involved, people tend to think that they are a victim and others are playing the villain role. The two conditions for safety are that a person believes that others care about their concerns, and care about them. If a conversation is heading towards an unsafe state, explicitly stating your good intentions can help. If appropriate, apologize for giving the wrong impression.
Try Restating the Facts
Restating the facts as you understand them can move a conversation back to safety. Tell your story as it fits those facts so that others can better understand your position. Importantly, you must try to tell others’ stories or have them give their explanation as it fits the facts. As you do this you should rewrite your story so that it is closer to something you all agree on. Unemotionally work towards a common understanding.
What I Want vs. Don’t Want
Another powerful tool that I’ve found very useful is contrasting to fix misunderstandings. It has two parts: what you don’t want and what you do want. If you sense someone believes you don’t have good intent you can use contrasting to move the conversation back to safety. An example is, “I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate your taking the initiative on this issue.” (what you don’t want), “but in the future please check with me before you commit the team.” (what you do want)
Creating Mutual Purpose
Another tool that I use a lot is to create mutual purpose. We come into a crucial conversation with differing perspectives which is the first criteria in identifying a crucial conversation. If we can identify a mutual purpose, we can then focus on meeting that purpose. An example of this is, “We both want this project to stay on budget, is there any way we can succeed without another resource?” It has to no longer be about convincing them, it has to be finding a mutually acceptable solution. It means finding a new path, looking for that win-win.
Crucial conversations are important, with differing perspectives that lead to high emotions. To have a successful crucial conversation we have to keep the conversation safe so that emotions are limited. The more we can stay focused on mutual purpose the less chance there is for emotions to get in the way and the conversation to become a competition.
As the song says, “Love’s not a competition, but I’m winning.” Even if that is your approach in romance, I think we can all do better professionally. 😉