Continuing my interpretation of the concepts in Crucial Conversations, today I’m focusing on ways to hold a successful crucial conversation. It’s important to have the right conversation. It’s also important to remember what you want the outcome to be. You must understand your motives. Finally, you must keep the conversation safe for all parties involved. When you follow these guiding principles, your probability of having a successful outcome goes way up.
Choosing the Right Topic
Choosing the right topic might sound simple, but it is not as easy as you might think. Many times we will choose the easy topic over the harder one, which is not always the best strategy. Another common mistake is to talk about recent events instead of the right issues. If emotions escalate, you may walk away skeptical that anything has really been settled, or you feel this is a conversation you’ve already had, which isn’t helpful. If this happens, consider that you probably haven’t chosen the right topic.
When determining the topic of a crucial conversation, make sure you are having it at the right level. Is the topic about a specific issue, a pattern of behavior, or a relationship? I’ve found that it is usually easier to talk about a specific recent incident rather than have the more difficult conversation about the relationship.
Define Your Outcome
When I first read this book, the lesson that really resonated with me was to know what I wanted the outcome to be before I entered into the conversation. Knowing what I wanted, and sticking to it, allowed me to succeed when it appeared things were headed in the wrong direction. Understanding my true motivations has not only helped me keep a conversation on track, but has also helped me avoid having the wrong motivations. Knowing what I want for me, for others, and for the relationships helps me to keep focused on the right conversations.
Master Your Emotions
Mastering your own emotions is a vital skill. When we let our emotions take over the result is normally a failed conversation. The book talks about the stories we use to connect the facts. The same set of facts can fit many different stories. In the story you choose, are you the victim? Are you helpless? Is the other the villain? Observe the facts, create an explanation or story from the facts that lead to a successful conversation, then act accordingly. When you feel emotions beginning to take over, step back,get back to the facts, and then help others get back to the facts. Emotion is a major force in each of us, keeping that force in check is a critical skill and requires self knowledge.
The things I’ve said above might may take a bit of time to digest. What I have shared with you today summarizes about three chapters which have generous explanations and lots of really good examples. I hope that I’ve given you some things to think about —and if you think you can benefit, the impetus to explore more in the book.